Lilly Elizabeth Ross

I live inside of this insanity and chaos of my brain. I'm supposed to be happy my Lil just born leaves hospital today. However she won't be livin with me; another one. Alicia was supposed to move in, we is together. Signed a lease and then two days later just decided to not want to, and leave me fucked by myself. It takes every part of me to not cry everyday. I feel so betrayed. I no longer trust anyone but long to feel close to someone. My heart dies a little more each day as I miss my son, Elijah. His mother enjoys the fact I can't see him. Don't ever let anyone tell you that. It is not only white people who don't care!

And now Lilly Elizabeth Ross. My new baby daughter I feel a knife in my back everytime I walk away from her mother, different from my ex wife but everything else is the same. I almost can't contain today. How come I'm never wanted? To be a parent totally means a life of sacrafice, but its not supposed to be at the expense of my heart; is it? No one understands how much I love my children. I thought God was supposed to intervene in these situations. Today even though a miracle has been graced upon us again I feel only sadness.
----- how special a child, how beautiful the miracle, how sad the heart, selfishness and one sided, prolific I am, she is born a queen, the world once before seen, a king named Elijah, princess Lilly . Cute and silly, heartbeat so calm and ready to take the world on. Everyone has what they want. I'm just supposed to be the bigger person. I don't want to today. I want to weep and scream, will I ever find her, please wake me from this dream-------