two days before elijah's bday

Yet another day has been ruined for one reason or another. And having to act like i'm okay with it. It's always at the expense of me seeing my daughter..... i'm sick of this b ullshit.. I'm Sick of the pain... I'm sick OF trusting When I'm it's been for nothing....... Now a lil daughter not able to neglect put in the past of retrospect and regret.
My heart aches at the loss of my son in my life on a daily basis. TRUST is overrated...
I cant stand feeling like an empty shell any longer................ i dont want to cry anymore.. elijah i haven't seen you in over two years.. i die more everyday!

Blah

How do you know, the pleasure & pain, all that has happened in past and future, the strive to maintain, the blood taken and tears wept, its 2009 still can't remember when I last slept, giving of all self, sacrafice for children and family, its all be taken, lay down the bullshit and keep thinking

Alicia and Lilly Ross

Another weekend goes by.

Dreams

I will no longer fool myself, I had a dream once and that dream has gone from me. I will no longer strive for that dream. I know now that family is unobtainable. I have children but I am not meant to raise eithe of them. I will love them but no longer try

Just having a child with Alicia. After 2 and 1/2 years now you would think I have earned a Lil respect. Instead I'm given the cold shoulder and treated like shit by them. You would think Alicia would stick up for me but I know she doesn't. Its exactly the same as it was when I got married. I don't fit or belong with anyone. They are all liars and backstabbers

Lilly doesn't even feel like she is my child!

Two accidents later finally changed

Again
My little Lilly!

Lilly Elizabeth Ross

I live inside of this insanity and chaos of my brain. I'm supposed to be happy my Lil just born leaves hospital today. However she won't be livin with me; another one. Alicia was supposed to move in, we is together. Signed a lease and then two days later just decided to not want to, and leave me fucked by myself. It takes every part of me to not cry everyday. I feel so betrayed. I no longer trust anyone but long to feel close to someone. My heart dies a little more each day as I miss my son, Elijah. His mother enjoys the fact I can't see him. Don't ever let anyone tell you that. It is not only white people who don't care!

And now Lilly Elizabeth Ross. My new baby daughter I feel a knife in my back everytime I walk away from her mother, different from my ex wife but everything else is the same. I almost can't contain today. How come I'm never wanted? To be a parent totally means a life of sacrafice, but its not supposed to be at the expense of my heart; is it? No one understands how much I love my children. I thought God was supposed to intervene in these situations. Today even though a miracle has been graced upon us again I feel only sadness.
----- how special a child, how beautiful the miracle, how sad the heart, selfishness and one sided, prolific I am, she is born a queen, the world once before seen, a king named Elijah, princess Lilly . Cute and silly, heartbeat so calm and ready to take the world on. Everyone has what they want. I'm just supposed to be the bigger person. I don't want to today. I want to weep and scream, will I ever find her, please wake me from this dream-------